Understanding Dr. John Gottman’s Perspectives on Trust and Infidelity: Part 2
In my earlier piece, titled “Precursors to Infidelity: The Six Warning Signs”, I explored the extensive research conducted by Dr. John Gottman regarding trust and infidelity, as presented in his influential works such as “Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples” and it’s follow-up, “What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal”. In these publications, he describes the gradual journey toward infidelity through what he refers to as “The 24-Step Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade Toward Distrust and Betrayal,” identifying six pivotal warning signs.
A primary contributor to dissatisfaction in marriages is frequently enough neglect; though, this alone does not typically result in affairs. What starts as feelings of frustration or disconnection can escalate into a significant issue when partners begin making unfavorable comparisons between each other and idealized figures outside thier relationship. Such negative thoughts can lead individuals into an “absorbing state,” prompting them to question their commitment with thoughts like “Why am I still committed?” or “Why isn’t my partner more supportive?”
The Most Hazardous Factors Leading to Infidelity
The following three elements significantly increase the likelihood of infidelity:
- Negative comparisons: Judging one’s partner against idealized others.
- avoidance of connection: Consistently rejecting opportunities for intimacy with one’s partner.
- Lack of emotional communication: Not discussing feelings related to dissatisfaction within the relationship.
Couples who communicate openly about their grievances rather than confiding in outsiders are better equipped to tackle issues before they escalate further.As john Gottman wisely notes, “Repairs are the life jackets of all romantic relationships; their effectiveness determines whether a relationship will flourish or falter.”
Navigating Challenges: Strategies for Prevention
The insights from researcher Dr. Shirley Glass provide valuable perspectives on infidelity based on her two-decade study documented in her book, “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity”. Her findings indicate that most affairs arise not from mere physical attraction but from deeper relational problems.
Dr. Glass employs a metaphor involving walls and windows when discussing secure relationships.A protective wall surrounds couples who choose not to share personal issues with anyone outside their partnership—especially those who could serve as potential alternatives. In contrast, secure couples maintain an open window where they transparently discuss challenges they face together.
If one partner begins confiding personal struggles with someone else rather of addressing them directly with their significant other, it creates barriers within the primary relationship while fostering intimacy elsewhere—a process that may initially go unnoticed but gradually shifts boundaries dangerously close toward betrayal. According to Glass’s research findings, many extramarital affairs start innocently among acquaintances or colleagues; she observes that “Eighty-two percent of those involved in affairs began as social acquaintances.” These so-called “affairs of the heart” often involve:
- Lack of transparency by hiding details about external relationships from one’s partner;
- An emotional bond forming outside the primary partnership;
- A physical attraction towards another individual.
This natural tendency towards attraction requires vigilance; partners should avoid seemingly harmless situations that could lead down a slippery slope toward betrayal. Instead of fantasizing about option relationships, it is essential for partners to engage in discussions about desires within their current union—sharing what works well alongside areas needing betterment fosters connection rather than division.
Turning towards your partner means being honest about your emotions without hiding behind facades or minimizing needs.
In conversation with John Gottman regarding interdependency’s definition he stated succinctly: “It’s trust based on mutually being able meet each other’s needs.” This principle serves as an essential reminder when considering how best nurture our partnerships effectively.